Does my story sound good or not?

God, this sounds like a great concept. I say that everything is great, but take the same thing you have and study it for a while. i'm an aspiring author and whenever i look at my work and think its good, i read it over and over like i'm seeing it for the first time. it really works. personally, to hook a reader in more, i would definitely drop the name of this guys true love. don't give the readers everything at one point. pull 'em in, hook line and sinker! hahah! recheck some of the words you use and fix them, like getting rid of 'shallower' and just leave it as 'his breathing became slower,'. and maybe put a metaphor in there too. but, all in all, its great. really great.